我的心事。。。

我很难过啦。。。我也很烦啦。。。我也非常的累。。。

我不懂怎么表达啦。。。总觉得我自己很没有用。。。

今天我好饿。。。没什么好东西吃。。。冰箱的食物也完了。。。

我总算不会随便吃吧。。。所以不会吃他们吃得。。。我想了整天要出去买。。。

但我很怕一个人，更何况我钱就只有十七块。。那也是我所有的钱了。。。所以我约大哥陪我出去。。。。但他说他不舒服不能走路出。。。哦咯。。。可借口这么多我也不吵他就出去了。。。我还淋雨回家。。。

淋了雨我现在头痛我也嫌自己什么什么的。。。

晚上，爸来房间跟我说米完了。。。看他这么说习惯了他又要麻烦人了。。。我就叫他走路出路口的小店买下就好了。。。他就说一大堆的借口。。。我觉得很奇怪。。。难道走路是个很丢他脸的事情吗？？家里没有车，我们贫穷就该承认啊。。。没什么好丢脸的。。。我真的不明白为什么家里的人都这样的？？？为什么从来不回要去改变。。。我大哥也是。。。一直躲在房间什么病都不会好的啦。。。他说因为妈妈在这所以他也跟着咳嗽。。。我觉得并不是这样，我虽然每晚都没有在家但我白天都粘着妈妈。。。还跟妈妈用同个杯。。。没看我会怎样阿。。。是他自己一直躲房间少喝水所以病了。。。这都不懂。。。也不出去透透气，病会好就好笑。。。

就是这些人害得我没心情。。。一个个像败类。。总爱靠人。。。在家摇脚就会有钱跌吗。。。爸爸大哥很会利用人。。我知道自己被利用我也没出声。。。我二哥也是。我很累看到他们这样。。。他们知道我男朋友没有在就要利用我二哥了。。。当初他们骂他骂到有多难听。。。还赶他出去，现在又要他麻烦他买东西回来。。。人家连要回家拿东西都不敢怕被骂。。。更别说要他买东西。。万一他慢又会给他们说。。。这样谁敢啊。。。

我老实说。。。我很想逃出来了。。。我不想住在这。。。我很累。。。我要他们独立。。。

他们几时才会想啊？？？

im feeling sick..

huh...im keeping headache every day again..

so suffering....even i cnt get rest well...

haiz.....i hate it...

no1 understand my condition....

i wish to rest at home sleep more or eat more at home for a day but they cnt understand what i mean....

they wil though that i finding reason to dont go to work..

shit!!

home keeping appear many stupid problem....

some they action so childish...some action so proud...huh...kinda stupid..

at working place 1 say other 1 bad word..other 1 that get shoot de look pity....

i juz can b the middle person..that keeping listen the bad words..i cant say it out..coz it will spoil the relationship..huh....im stress u know...

i dont knw who is the correct who is wrong...

even now family member oso cant b trust too much....

i dont knw who should i trust most...

haiz...y this world will like this...haiz....

God pls save me...

I lost some1 important..

1.37am...monday...27july 2009...my phone is ringing....i hang up...its my mum is calling....bt she drop the call mayb of the network problem....and i start to worry....coz my mum wont call me at midnight...

for few minutes after that my mum phone again...and i answer the call...."hallo.""hallo bi,where are you?" "im at home,why?" "i wanna tell u that your aunt is away on 12am just now." i get shock...i start to make my voice louder....i cant ask why will..because she is so ill in ICU...everything will be happen...i cant believe about what my mum said...i still asking.."ya meh??ngaiti..." mama said "ya..12 just now..grandpa them is going down to kuching general hospital, 2moorow pls come to kampung and bring ahboy and ahtin along." i cant believe what that i listen is true....my brother that sitting infront of laptop start look at me...i say "aunty go liao..aunty no liao"...no1 will believe she is go away...she is pass away..everything happen so suddenly...

i wish to cry loudly....but i could not make it...haiz...what should i do???

i cant sleep whole night....once i close my eyes and start fall asleep....i dream bout her...the memory with her....i cry in my dream loudly....until i awake im still crying....

she is the best aunt....really best....support us so much...she remember the date of birth of all of us...the last message she sent to me is she wish me happy birthday...im so touch with that message..even it just a few sentences....

how is her kids right now....i hope they will be ok....

Dear God please protect my aunt in heaven and please protect my cousins that just gone a mum.....they still a kids....thanks for everything Lord..amen...

阿姨。回来我们身边。。aunty rosita pls cum bck..please get well fast..

Attention every1 in this world... please appreciate every1 that around you now... Please forgive every1 that beside you now... Please forgive any1 that ever scold you kick you or any1 that ever treat you bad... Please dont ever try to hate any1....

every day we dont know what gonna happen in the next second... maybe any bad thing gonna happen to us...and maybe any bad thing to any one that beside we.... any1 of the human being they wont know how to appreciate thing when they never lost it...

So start from today...look at every one that beside you...treat them good...

My aunty...my lovely and beloved aunty....she now is critical in ICU wad at Sarawak Kuching genaral hospital...She is doing her brain surgery on tuesday 1.40pm...and the operation is done on 9pm...

Every thing is happen so suddenly..no1 know this kind of thing will happen....the sickness coming on friday midnite... Its started with on the midnight she cant wake up to toilet to pass urine...My uncle (my aunt husband) told me that on thursday night she still ok and can eat and every thing is normal as usual...everything happen is so suddenly...no1 can accept it....including me...

they send my aunt to kuching general hospital emergency room on sunday evening...and it get know this all on 9++pm....luckily that im still at my beloved stewart house...and he can bring me to the hospital as soon as possible...when i reach there i cant accept that the 1 that laydown on the bed and the eyes cant open is my aunty...she looks whole body is weak....she cant make her self wake up...

yesterday early in the morning i go to visit her in the ICU...i cnt even recognise her face...because her whole body is kembang(肿) swollen....she is koma in the ICU...she looks so pain...she cnt move...she is not awake...she looks is fighting with her life...she is pity...

All things that i can do just pray for her...support her and always by her side......

I come back home for bath for a while...then i go to hospital again...i dint sleep well....and i not enough sleep....and the most worst is my back bone is pain....no1 know....

Im sad that she is in the hospital...why should she lay on there???I cant tahan my tears to drop anymore..i cry infront her....my mind full with her memories....she is a good aunty..she never scold me from im small....she take gud care me n my brothers...

She is really Good...now i know how good is she at the time i gonna lost her...i keeping praying n keeping hoping she will b ok and she will b ok...i dont want to lost her..I hope God heard out prayer....I hope God will safe her life....

i dont know what i should say more...i just want my aunty get well soon...please pray for her...

想念她。。

一大早起来看看电话有个备忘录出现说今天是我妈妈的生日。。。。。突然我觉得很不开心。。。为什么我的家人会变这样？？都不聚在一起。。。妈妈回了乡下也再不回来和我们住。。。

每年的生日都会有我家人陪她度过。。。今年妈妈却一个人在乡下庆祝生日。。。也许她没有庆祝也没人陪她在家。。。

每年的生日我都有卖礼物给她。。。但今年。。。我却什么都给不了她。。。我只能够发个信息祝福她。。。但还好妈妈有回复我的信息。。。

我真的很想念我妈妈啊。。。怎么办？？？我很不想我家人变这样。。。现在我的生活总觉得好寂寞好孤单。。。连家都觉得自己是个无家可归的小孩。。。总很羡慕别人有个美好的家。。。每天他们做工，读书不管多累都好都有个温暖的家好回，都有他们的家人在等着他们平安到家。

而我呢？？？我没有完整的家庭。。。现在已出去回家都很担心哥哥他们出去会没人开门给我进。会有我叔叔会开门给我但他很凶，很喜欢瞪人。。。我不懂他到底不爽什么。。。我出去也错。。。我不出，朋友来我家也被他赶。。。为什么要这样呢？？住在这我真的很压力。。。大哥也不是很好到哪里。。。讲话方式总爱刺人家的心。。。

我好想投诉。。。但我还能跟谁投诉我家里的事哦？？？除了我妈。。。但妈妈不在身边。。。妈妈很远。。。

很累。。。每天都不会睡。。。一睡了就已经是早上了。一醒来就已经是下午了。。午餐都没吃。。。爸爸有煮些东西但我都不会吃他煮的。。。每天我只吃一餐。。。自己煮的东西我又不大爱吃。。很想念以前有妈妈煮。。。放学或放工回来都有妈妈在等我。。我累了她会煮给我吃。。如果我病了她会赶我吃药。。。现在什么都没了。。。

会有人住在自己家总是会有怕怕的感觉吗？？会有谁住在自己的家觉得很不自在？？？都很少有这样的事。。。但我家就是这样。。。从我小都这样的生活。。。我真的累了。。。

我很想要有个很温暖的家。。。如果我得不到。。我想要有个软软的床。。冷气房给我好好的睡一觉。。。我真的好想要。。。但我几时会得的到？？

妈妈。。。我真的很想要你回来。。。

爸爸。。你可以别这样幼稚吗？？？妈妈为你付出很多你都看不到吗？？？为何两公婆要这样呢？？你孩子的感受你没去想过吗？？

妈妈。。。原谅爸爸好吗？？？我们都很想你你不知道吗？？

爸爸。。。如果没有妈妈一直陪你你会有今天的我们吗？？？如果不是妈妈辛苦为你怀了我们好几个月还好好照顾我们长大你会有我们这些健康的孩子吗？？？

妈妈。。。你不年轻了。。你可以反醒吗？？电话里的甜言密语都没有一个是真的。。。

你说你不需要什么男人的爱了你只需要孩子。。。但为何你做的却跟你说的不一样？？？别人生日或信息你肯定回你肯定会打电话给他们。。。我生日你一封信息也没有。。我还等了整晚。。。你却让我失望。。。我信息问候你你回我得却是说到钱。。。我只是真心的好心的想念的问候，没提到半点的钱也没想过要讨钱。。。为什么这样对我？？？你所说的孩子是哪些孩子呢？？不就是我们四个吗？？？

爸爸。。。你几时才肯听别人的意见？？？你几时才会知道自己不是神？？？我们虽然年龄没你老但我们都有我们的想法啊。。。你几时才肯接受呢？？？如果我们做孩子的有做错你不能好好跟我们说吗？？？你可以不要一直打败我们想要赚钱养家的想法吗？？老爸。。。。我虽然是个女生但我不是一个没有用的人。。。可以别看不起我吗？？

~~~爸爸~~妈妈~~你们几时才肯反醒呢？？？

~~~~~我能平安生活吗？~~~~